It all comes down to having good talks (discussions) with your kids. For me, I wish I knew then what I know now - so I could have had better talks with our kids (to share what I want them to know, to answer their questions, to see what they think and want, etc. [Hence this series] Maybe you or someone you know should be having some good talks/discussions with your/their kids. And if you agree, then maybe the following may help you to consider your possible talks with your kids (and yes the following is probably something really different).
Dads should talk with their kids on who they are, where they came from and what they expect from their kids. Now how this is best done, could be in various ways (most would agree and think this sounds good but when they think on what does this really mean and how best to talk about it – it becomes difficult and too easy to leave for some rainy day that never seems to arrive).
But it doesn't have to be that way. Why not make the time to jot down notes, memories and ideas in an approach like the following?
First: the 'who we are.' Parents, be honest. Share who your parents are, where they came from, there strengths & weaknesses. And then use that information as a gateway into a summary of you and your wife. In this chat, focus on the type of people that your wife and you have as parents and how their lives impacted who you both became.
Second: the 'where we came from.' The honesty needs to continue here and the focus is on the type of lives that you and your wife had in growing up (went well, or was challenged, or whatever). Think of this as an opportunity to share a lessons learned type review. For when you do these two action items, you are giving your kids insight as to who you are, why you do what you do and what you are trying to achieve.
Third: the 'what you expect.' This is the interesting double edge sword type of talk because your kids may ask various whys or may challenge you via a type of 'why do you expect this when I don't see it in you' type of a dialog (kids are often brutally honest). The key, don't take this lightly (and please know this; telling our kids what we expect is a higher bar than telling our kids what we would like to see). So yes I agree - this is a bigger challenge. Please think on this and then discuss it with your kids and have a good talk. It can lead to a lot of good topics covered. For example . . .
As your kids work their way into their teen years, they will have by age 10, already seen a lot and have learned quite a bit – but – do they know what you and your wife expect of them? For as they gain more freedom, more responsibility, when they are with others, how to treat others, etc? It comes down to this. If you don't talk with your kids (as in talk with, not talk down to), they are going to do what they think is okay. And yes, it is those times that unfold when there is a good chance you'll find yourself saying [or thinking] . . . 'Stupid is as stupid does.' So, what you share is up to you – just have the talk. |
Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.
P.S. After writing the above I challenged myself . . . okay, the first two are doable but how would I do the third, the 'I expect . . .'?
So I thought I would think back to when our daughter was 11. I would try the following type of talk with her. We would have our discussion and she would hopefully appreciate it. I would learn from it as well and adjust as needed for when our boys would be turning 11. It would go something like the following.
"Hey Sweetie, I know we have a bit of a drive ahead of us. I appreciated the talks we had when I shared with you who we are and where we came from as a family. You had good questions and those were fun talks. I now want to share with you what I call the 'What I expect' talk. I've never done something like this before so if it is okay with you, I'll share what I'd like you to understand are the type of things I expect of you as your years ahead unfold. There are 7 things I'll share and then let's talk about them so that you understand what I am trying to say and I understand your views.”
We would get in sync on this discussion to be had and then I would continue . . .
“Okay, here are the 7 expectations that I have of you.
First: To listen and to participate when Mom or I say we need to talk;
to discuss what we believe are important topics or issues.
Second: To come to Mom or I when you have a concern or need help.
Third: To be frustrated from time to time when you don't get to do what you want, when you want because we say no or have other things we will be doing but you are strong and talented; you will get through all frustrations.
Fourth: To be accountable for your words and actions.
Fifth: To step up, to speak up or to take action when you see wrong unfolding.
Sixth: To be self-confident so that when you are not sure if you can do something, you will do what you know needs to be done.
Seventh: To pursue actions that show you honor others as well as yourself, and this means you will respect others and pursue compassion as best you can.
Why? Because there is evil in the world and if you don't begin learning what you need to do and doing what you need to do, you will become a victim in one way or another. Yes you will make mistakes from time to time and that is okay as long as you learn from them. Now that is the start, what do you think?”
There would have been a bunch of 'What do you mean . . .” questions but we would have discussed those and be on track for future talks.
Now there is an example. I'm going to keep thinking on this because there could be better ways. And that is what I encourage for all dads - to think and to pursue the type of talks with your kids, when you need to on the topics that need to be covered. Thanks for considering all of the above.